Searching for Bliss

One man's paradise is another man's nightmare.

Before it’s too late…

Pursue meaningful relationships. If you already have people who are close to you, your spouse, your kids, your relatives… nurture those bonds. Don’t overextend yourself, but give as much as you are able. I speak from experience when I say that I have close relationships that I have been failing to nurture. We live in an age where it’s so easy to put yourself and your connections on auto-pilot. As long as you are there day in and day out, who cares if you are putting the emotion in, right? Wrong. Dead wrong.

Make it point to have a true connection with those you love. Life can be so short sometimes, and if you fail to mend things before the end, it basically leaves a void of confusion and grief for those left behind. But there is a flip side to this coin. If you have put your all into repairing a relationship, but the opposite party isn’t working with you, don’t be afraid to cut ties. Don’t be afraid to cut back. Let them come to you when they are ready to work on the repair. And if they don’t, well, don’t let the void suck you in when they are gone. Fight back by declaring that won’t be how you end.

Stop the cycle. Break the habit. And if we all do this, could we possibly, in our own tiny way, help heal the world?

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Can we pretend that the airplanes AREN’T in the night sky?

My house is right beneath a flight plan descent into the Memphis airport. The city is the home of FedEx, so there are back to back planes landing every 3-4 minutes, starting around 10 PM every night. It’s actually a “thing” to do at my house… go sit outside and watch the planes come in. 

Even better, as you leave the city at night and head toward my corner of suburbia, you will see planes stacked up and strung out across the dark sky, waiting for their clearance to land. It’s a phenomenal sight that I mistook for alien encounters the first few times I saw it, but once I realized what they were, it became all boring and mundane to me. 

For now though, the god-damned things are preventing me from falling asleep, so that’s why you guys get to hear me bitch about them.

Good night my pretties.

Yes and No Question

Are you anxious when you sit and write?
No, because honestly just watching the pen
Form words is so relaxing to me.
And I know that it’s my brain that is
Guiding my hand and subsequently
The pen, and that empowers me.
It empowers me to speak my mind
And show my true self to the world.
The self that is sometimes kind and sometimes brave,
But always still anxious.
Even as I watch the ink dry instantly on the page.

What is my purpose?

For the most part, I just get through life one day at a time. I wake ridiculously early so that I can have a few moments to get myself partially awake and sort of together. Then, I am pleasured with the task of waking a toddler up and dragging her through a morning routine that she has no interest or desire to be a part of. Once we get into the car, I distract her with an electronic device so that my nerves aren’t bombarded with a whining kid while also dealing with insane traffic.

On some days, I leave her at the babysitter’s, crying. She doesn’t cry often when I leave her, but when she does, my heart shatters into a million pieces as I drive away from her so I can spend the next 8 hours answering phone calls and filing warranty claims.

I get one precious hour for lunch, but some days, I have to cut my midday break by 30 minutes so I can go pick up my kid. It’s usually her dad’s job to pick her up, but if they call a mandatory 10 or 12 hour day on him, I am tasked with picking her up.

Once everyone is home, I prepare dinner for my darling child, just to have her push it away and tell me, “No, mommy! Don’t want!” After dinner, I usually get a few quiet moments while the other two members of my family head upstairs to play and watch TV, but I don’t always feel as though I spend this time wisely. Most of the time, I will watch something from my DVR or just scroll through my phone, grateful for some quiet.

Once playtime is over, I drag my toddler through a bedtime routine that she does not wish to be a part of. After reading “just one more” book for the 100’th time, I enforce lights out.

At this point, I just want to collapse into bed, but I usually spend at least an hour with my husband while we watch a TV show together or talk. Once he heads upstairs to start his nightly gaming and decompression routine, I am faced with a conundrum. If I choose to go to bed to get highly needed rest, I will usually end up lying there, staring at the ceiling while my CPAP machines breathes in and out in my face. If I choose to watch more TV, or read, or write, I never seem to get anything accomplished.

The TV I watch is mindless. The words I write make no sense, and most of the time, it’s just me lecturing myself on what an awful writer I am. If I read, the words form a jumble on the page, and my distracted mind can’t comprehend them.

Recently, I have added something new to my purpose. Once a week, a friend comes over, and we record a web show about something we both love very much. The next night, I edit the videos, and we publish them once a week on the Internet.

We are only 7 weeks into this project, but views are low, so that puts me into even more of a tailspin, especially when I sit around and ask myself questions such as, “What is my purpose?”

If a stranger walked up to me on the street and asked me that very question, this would be my answer.

My purpose is to be me. It is to wholly embrace myself, including those things that I hate most about me. My purpose is to be a strong example to my daughter, even though my time spent with her is me dragging her around to do things she probably doesn’t understand yet. My purpose is to constantly work toward my passions and to never, ever give up on myself or my dreams.

My purpose is simply to be better tomorrow than I was today.

I have an idea…

I have a new video camera, and I have been itching to film something profound and personal. Doing so will require that I speak to many others to see if they would agree to be interviewed on camera for this project. If they say yes, I could showcase some great skills here, all while telling a true story that is truly haunting.

Wash me clean

I’ve been holding my emotions in lately. I know it’s not healthy, but I slip into that role so unconsciously. It’s what I’ve always done. It’s just easier. Today, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Trapped in my car during the middle of a torrential downpour, I sat and cried like a baby. I imagined the rain beating on the roof of my car was washing me clean. The more I was cleansed, the harder my tears fell. I felt connected to the Earth as we both cried out our frustrations over the injustices of the world. 

Caution

So many changes up ahead.

They look bright, shiny, and new.

But caution is still my friend,

And I will tread warily through what comes next.